Jim Jim the Dog-faced Boy was a semi-famous circus freak from the olden days. He toured America delighting the proles with his bearded face, scampering charmingly around his cage, and mewling like a suckling vole. Jim Jim had been born with a weird genetic disease which cursed him with all-over body hair and other canine attributes. Some might say that I have taken the life of this misunderstood, tragic human being and pissed all over it by mocking him in this musical. I say: 'no'. I have attempted to present Jim Jim the Dog-faced Boy less as a revolting, gibbering lycanthrope, and more as a hairy little boy who never had a friend. The actual plotline ignores whatever happened to the real-life Jim Jim, on account of my not bothering to research the bastard. Instead I have ripped off the story of 'Pinnochio', but replaced the little wooden boy with a little dog-faced boy. I feel it is an improvement. Incidentally, if the family of the real-life Jim Jim happens to be reading this (assuming of course that they can read), then I will be happy to recieve whatever threatening letters and death threats they care to send me. The same goes for any circus performers who are offended- I would be willing to shake you all by the flipper and discuss my work with you. Unfortunately, only the first scene of this breathtaking musical spectacular remains intact (or, indeed, has been written). It chronicles the birth of our hero, Jim Jim, and the reactions of his parents and a confused and physically sickened doctor. To the hospital...  

A hospital room. FATHER stands anxiously with his arm around MOTHER, who is in bed. The DOCTOR turns around with a bundle in his arms.

DOCTOR

Well, my friends, it gives me joy

That I can report delivery of a baby boy.

FATHER

Thanks, Doc, you did just swell.

Oh, I’m very sorry darling! You were great as well.

DOCTOR

I’m afraid there’s been the slightest hitch:

It seems that your darling wifey is a thoroughbred bitch.

FATHER

What, sir, did you just say?

If you dare insult my family I will make you pay!

MOTHER

That’s right, tell him George!

I demand you get me transfered to another ward.

DOCTOR

No offence, but I can see

That someone in the family has a pedigree.

FATHER

I just don’t understand your game at all-

Are you sure you wouldn’t like to take this in the hall?

MOTHER

There, there boys, the subject’s changed

Shall we call the baby Gavin or do you like James?

DOCTOR

No, ma’am, I must explain,

Perhaps the choice of Fido is a better name?

FATHER

That’s it, I’ve enough of this

I’ll punch your bleedin’ lights out if you take the piss...

DOCTOR

See for yourself, but just be warned:

You may not like the wretched thing that you have spawned...

They peer into the bundle.

MOTHER

What’s this?! It cannot be!

That looks more like a daschund than a child to me.

FATHER

It’s far, far worse than I had feared:

My darling first-born infant has a full-fledged beard!

DOCTOR

I understand that you’re in shock

It’s not everyday you give birth to a damned Ewok.

FATHER

What’s caused this thing?

DOCTOR

I cannot say.

The only explanation is your DNA.

MOTHER

It’s all your fault, this hairy mite

Resulted from a bottle and an early night!

DOCTOR

My colleagues can assist you yet

Head shrinkers, social workers and local vet.

FATHER

Thankyou, Doc, but we’re just fine

I’d best get down the Feathers before closing time.

MOTHER

Oh no you don’t, we’re going home

To get our cherub settled in the nursery room.

FATHER

He is our son, so I suppose

We’ll have to love his moulting and his cold wet nose.

DOCTOR

That’s the idea, you’ll do just great

But remember to go walkies at least twice a day.

They leave.

A dog-faced boy? That’s something new.

They could make a bit of money with a back-yard zoo.

I now am faced with a moral test;

Should I make a telephone call to the tabloid press?...

The answer would be ‘yes’.