As everyone knows, the Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical is the highest form of art our great civilisation has ever known. I took a look at the subjects of these musicals, and realised that they were utter hokum. A man loses his coat. A bunch of  roller-blading tits in silver trousers pretend to be trains. A stinky cat in drag ascends to Paradise. Well, thinks I, if Lloyd-Webber can do it, so can L'Harv. So I sat my fat ass down and wrote this musical, which encompasses a far weightier topic, to wit; the Ascent of Man. Inspired by Charles Darwin's bearded works, I present to you the lyrics and stage directions to the first few songs from my debut musical, 'Evolution the Musical'. You'll have to make up the tunes yourself, but I have made suggestions to help your feeble mind. Let the show begin...

Darkness. Charles Darwin walks onto stage, illuminated by a candle.

Music: March to victory lumberjack song sort of affair. Pom, pom, pom, pom...

DARWIN

My name is Charlie Darwin,

But you can call me Charles.

I thank you all for coming

but beware; we’ve locked the doors!

I’d like to take you all

On a magical mystery tour-

The like of which you won’t have seen before!

The religious fruitcakes say

That I like to Bible-bash,

but they’re talking out their backsides

I’m just trying to make some cash

From the sale of my reports

On the nature of mankind

And how we got here after our long climb.

After years of tireless work

I can heartily confirm

that there’s something that connects us all

to the humble earthy-worm.

The Origin of the Species

Is a rather weighty tome

So I present it in here in op-dramatic form.

It started with a fish...

CHORUS

It started with a fish!

Music: Calypso type malarky

DARWIN

Well here we are

At the dawn of time

Where the only life

is primordial slime

Not much to look at

A greenish-grey gloop

What will become

Of this biological soup?

CHORUS

Shoop shoop! Primordial shoop!

What will become

Of this glorious gloop?

DARWIN

It’s commonly held

that the place to be

If you’re looking for a thrill

In a squillion years BC

The place to go

If you’re lookin’ for commotion

Is the murky depths

Of God’s good ocean!

CHORUS

Shoop shoop! Primordial shoop!

That’s where to find

This glorious gloop!

DARWIN

Our story begins

At the bottom of the sea

In eight hundred thirty thousand

Sixty billion BC.

Please remain in your seats,

You won’t be bored

‘Cause look what’s happening

On yonder shore...

A fish flops up onto the beach. It look around, realising it’s error.

Music: Very fast, panicky chase music.

FISH

Oh cripes!

I’m stuffed.

I’ve landed in the rough.

I’ve boldy swum ashore

Where no fish has gone before!

It’s no surprise I’m running out of breath.

CHORUS

Here comes death!

FISH

Oh cripes!

I’m floundered.

I’m ninety-pee a poundered.

If I don’t get in that aqua

I’m gonna have to thank ya

I’m feeling that the end is very near.

CHORUS

Have no fear!

DARWIN

Hello there!

I’m Darwin.

I find your company charmin’.

I see you’re in a jam

And I’ll try to lend a hand.

Or would you rather have a set of legs?

FISH

What’re legs?

DARWIN

That’s it!

I’m talking

Apparatus that’s for walking.

It’s easy if you try

Just think free mobility

You’ll find that you’re the fittest- you’ll survive.

CHORUS

You will survive!

FISH

I will survive!

DARWIN

He’ll survive!

‘Cause he’s got the will

The cunning and the skill

To out-evolve his peers

By a hundred million years

And cut this show to under seven hours.

CHORUS

Feel the power!

DARWIN

Just watch his fishy face

As he enters the arms race

And grows a set of limbs

Complete with elbows, knees and shins

He’s stepping out, he’s gonna see the sights.

CHORUS

But they’re shite.

The fish has now evolved into a amphibious type of creature.

Music: like’ I’ll do anything’.

AMPHIBIAN

I’m a fabulous amphibian

I can walk and I can swim-ian

I can do most anything-ian

DARWIN

He’s on his way to simian.

There’s a rocky road to come

Your journey’s not yet done.

But with those limbs

You’ll do greater things

Than anyone yet born.

AMPHIBIAN

So you’re saying I’m the first?

The first to walk the earth?

The first to crawl

On bone-dry soil

The only one at all?

DARWIN

I’m saying you’re the peak

The first fish of the week

To climb onto this beach

And try at last to reach

A dream of somthing greater

That may not come till later-

But rest assured that it’s your destiny.

AMPHIBIAN

My destiny?

CHORUS

Your destiny!

And so it continues. Or at least, it would, if I had any kind of plot worked out in my mind.